When you first get cast in a primetime soap opera, you are asked to put your right hand on the primetime soap opera bible (Dynasty: The Complete Series DVD collection) and vow to never ever betray the primetime soap opera God (Joan Collins) by playing the role of Alexis Carrington in a bottom shelf reboot of Dynasty. But Nicollette Sheridan has broken that vow and committed the ultimate primetime soap opera sin by taking the role of Alexis Carrington in a bottom shelf reboot of Dynasty! Why, Nicollette, why? If you need a check that bad, you should’ve started a GoFundMe. We all would’ve donated and understood!
The CW’s blasphemous and tame reboot of Dynasty got a full season order, and its creators threatened me with a bad time by saying that Alexis will show up at some point. Well, enter NotMyAlexis. The CW hasn’t said when NotMyAlexis will make her debut, but they released the first picture of that traitor scab Nicollette as her, and also put out this little bit of words:
“She will return unexpectedly to their world, challenging Blake’s marriage to Cristal, seeking to reunite with her children, and fighting to claim what is hers.”
The only one who should be fighting to claim what is hers is Dame Joan Collins! Joan needs to slip on a Nolan Miller power suit complete with shoulder pads and fight Nicollette in a lily pond for thieving her role. Dame Joan doesn’t seem thrilled about the cubic zirconia version of Dynasty on The CW, so she probably won’t be thrilled about them recasting Alexis.
Nicollette was perfection in both Knot’s Landing and Desperate Housewives, and I always want more of her on my TV, but not as Alexis. The CW has already messed Alexis up and she hasn’t even been on the show yet. Just look at her tragic sloppy bun in that promo picture. She looks like she’s about to clean house and the only thing Alexis cleans up is the tears of her enemies after she takes over their company and steals their man.
I knew they were going to recast Alexis, and I would’ve been slightly okay with it if they cast someone like Emma Samms or maybe Gina Gershon. But I only would’ve been okay with Gina Gershon if Joan Collins returned the favor by playing Cristal Connors in a reboot of Showgirls. And I just had a big gay freak out and my ass fell out from thinking about Joan Collins as Cristal Connors.
With that being said, I will watch every second of Nicollette as Alexis. If hate watching is my cardio, then I’m going to lose half my body weight from watching someone whose name isn’t Joan Collins play Alexis Carrington.
Pic: The CW