The 30-year-old singer revealed that she started writing her new album Rainbow one hour at a time during rehab in 2014.
The process led her on a journey of self-discovery and healing after being embroiled in lawsuits with producer Dr. Luke, preventing her from releasing new music until now.
“I was in a very dark place,” Kesha wrote. “I was alone and scared in rehab for an eating disorder that had gotten wildly out of control. I wasn’t allowed to work or have any technology – no phone, no computer, no texting, no social media. At first, they wouldn’t let me have any kind of instrument either.”
“I begged them to let me have a keyboard – even a toy keyboard,” she continued. “I had so many emotions, and I didn’t know how else to deal with them. Writing songs is the only way I know how to process things. I was relentless. I remember I begged and begged, until they finally agreed I could have a keyboard for one hour a day. … My boyfriend Brad sent me his keyboard and some crappy headphones that were falling apart. Every day I sat there on the floor and played.”
Click inside to hear what else Kesha had to say…
“There’s a line in ‘Rainbow’ that I really love: ‘What’s left of my heart is still made of gold,’” Kesha added. “I truly believe that. It’s true for me and it can be true for others, too. I know giant pieces of my heart have been held captive in the past. But not anymore. And what’s left is f–king pure gold and no one can touch that.”
“The naiveté and the joyfulness of a child is one of the most beautiful things in the world, and somewhere along the way you can get injured or hurt or heartbroken and sometimes you lose little pieces of joy,” she shared. “I just don’t want to be that broken person. And I’m not anymore. I am a walking testament to anyone out there that with honesty and self-love, you can feel whole again.”
To read Kesha‘s full essay, head to Refinery29.