When I woke up this morning to a tweet from Kathy Griffin saying, “If you have 17 minutes to spare, I have a hell of a story to tell,” I ran down to the nearest Big 5 Sporting Goods store to buy a life jacket and a kayak. Because I thought Kathy was going to spill more tea than the Boston Tea Party. But the tea she spilled could maaaaybe fill a Starbucks Tall cup. Okay, she claims that Andy Cohen is kind of a coke pusher, so her tea could fill a Grande.
Kathy decided to expose tricks left and right after Andy pulled a little cunty move on her. Andy is replacing Kathy as Anderson Cooper’s sidekick on CNN’s New Year’s Eve special this year. CNN fired Kathy for doing a photo shoot where she held a Trump mask covered with ketchup and Shirley Temple syrup. Andy was at LAX and TMZ asked him if he talked to Kathy and asked for her blessing before taking the CNN gig. The shady Godfather of the Housewives responded by stealing Mariah Carey’s signature line and saying, “Who? I don’t know her.” Andy later said on Twitter that he was just trying to dodge TMZ’s question with a joke. But Andy’s response still seemed to cut Kathy so deep that the knife got stuck, but she pulled that knife out and used it to cut back at him…. and TMZ’s head bitch Harvey Levin.
While sitting in what looks like the sumptuous waiting room of an expensive lawyer’s office (it’s probably her hotel suite) and working a pussy blow blouse, Kathy started off her video exposé by playing a voicemail from Harvey Levin. In the voicemail, Harvey tells Kathy to call him and he gives her his number. Kathy decided to put Harvey’s number out there because she says after the picture of her holding a “cut-off Trump head” came out, she and her family got telephone death threats. I started to slow clap for that beautiful act of pettiness, but then I Googled the number. It’s just Harvey’s production office number.
The video is 17 minutes long, and I’m not going to cover every millisecond of it, so I’ll just sum it up for you.
On Andy Cohen: Kathy recently called her ex-friend Anderson Cooper a “spineless heiress” and read a letter from a fan who called him a “fickle faggot,” but yet she seems to think that Andy’s street interview with TMZ was “vicious.” Okay. Kathy was hurt, because Andy was her boss when she did My Life On The D-List, which got Bravo two Emmys. She says that Andy treated her like shit, harassed her and she believes he wanted to be her. When she pitched a talk show to Bravo, they turned it down, but yet Andy got one. I saw Kathy do stand-up a while ago, and she talked about the Real Housewives a bit and seemed to be a big fan, but now she thinks it’s bad for women and that Andy is an evil gay mastermind for making millions off of ladies throwing lychee martinis at each other at a launch party for scented dog enemas (that hasn’t happened yet, but I’m sure it will).
Now about that coke bit. Kathy said that she’s done Watch What Happens Live twice, and each time she was on, Andy pulled her into an office and asked her if she wanted to take her nostrils on a Lohan holiday by doing coke. Kathy says that Andy is going to swat her claim away and say he was joking, but she says he was totally serious.
On Harvey Levin: Kathy has said before that Harvey Levin’s mouth smells like Donald Trump’s ass since his tongue is always up that rotten naranja culo, but she really says it in this video. Kathy has heard that Harvey and Trump talk a few times a week. Kathy says that Harvey is such a giant Trump Tramp that he even tried to get her to come over to the orange side by supporting Trump. Kathy calls Harvey the gay dude version of Kellyanne Conway. Kathy says that on the TMZ show, Harvey pretends to be all open-minded and loving of everyone but he’s just a misogynist and deplorable.
Kathy also thinks that Harvey and Andy were in CAHOOTS and planned that video of Andy at LAX.
Andy and Harvey aren’t the only ones Kathy calls out. She calls out several female executives for not having her back and shits on her old boss at CNN Jeff Zucker for discounting her fee when she asked for a raise. Kathy says she knows she’ll never work at Bravo or NBCUniversal again, but if she took a blood test right now, it’d show that there’s zero fucks in her bloodstream. She doesn’t care. Kathy ends the video by saying that she may be back on the D-list, but because of the Trump picture, she’s also on other lists like the Interpol list and the Five Eyes list.
If Kathy’s mentor Joan Rivers was still here, she’d probably advise her to tell them all to fuck off and keep it moving. And I do think that Kathy needs to invest in a strong moisturizer to thicken up her skin a bit, but I still live for this kind of shit.
And that coke rumor isn’t a surprise. Sometimes when I’m watching Watch What Happens Live, my teeth start grinding from getting secondhand coke high. How else do you think Andy gets his guests to spill so much dirt? And now thanks to Kathy, I see WWHL as an elaborate front for Andy Cohen’s coke empire.